


I don't need your opinion

by Plume8now



Series: ZoSan Prompts [11]
Category: One Piece
Genre: AU, Bored!Zoro, Deal, Humor, M/M, Romance, Sanji being Sanji, Stupidity, bet, different picture of love, ero-cook, foolish behaviors, mention of Sanji/Conis, relationship troubles, rivalry relationship, they are children seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 16:47:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9132817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Plume8now/pseuds/Plume8now
Summary: Inspired by the prompt: "I called the wrong number and started talking about my life and you only interrupted me after a few a few minutes of me revealing some pretty personal stuff and now youre invested in my life troubles" AU.ORWhen Sanji thinks he's calling Usopp (... but we all know it's not Usopp.)





	1. Wrong number

**Author's Note:**

  * For [abricotae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/abricotae/gifts).



> Thank you Fafsernir again for correcting me until the very last day of 2016 :'(  
> And this is a gift for PrincessAna, because- well for no reason, just happy new year everyone and hope you'll enjoy this! :D

 Sanji looked at his phone, sitting on his bed, thoughtful.

Should he call Nami? Should he tell her what was currently happening? He knew she had said she wouldn't mind a phone call from him, as long as it wasn't for flirting. Of course, the latter would always fail when Sanji did call her – using tons of excuses, by the way. Just hearing Nami-swan's voice was so great and such an honour for him! But... right now, he wouldn't call for that.

He'd been thinking about it for weeks, even months.

Things weren't getting better with Conis, and he couldn't let this relationship fade away just like this, without even trying to fix it. But talking about personal problems to Nami? Bothering her? Taking her time and patience for insignificant relationship issues? No, it wasn't that important. Plus, Conis and him weren't even in a relationship. Or were they? He didn't know. They'd been dating for a while, yes, but were they together? As a couple?

Maybe he was overthinking it. Conis, in love with him? Damn, she was a true angel, no way he could deserve her! (But that would be Heaven if she actually felt something for him)... though that wasn't what he needed to talk about. Was it? No need to talk to Nami about it. Actually, that would be a wrong path, as Nami was a Saint and a woman, and he, was only a man. For that, he needed to talk to another man, who had experience with women. Not that women were hard to understand or anything, not at all. On the contrary, they were flawless – actually, Sanji needed help for himself.

That was it. He couldn't bother Nami. Luffy wasn't even an option, he knew his answer would be something about meat or going on an adventure and then everything would be okay. Last option was Usopp. After all, Usopp was in relationship with Kaya, and everything seemed to go perfectly well.

Yes, he should definitely call Usopp for this kind of matter.

The young cook reached his phone, and dialed Usopp's number. When he heard his friend answering his call, he just couldn't help but let go of his feelings immediately. As in a " _Now or never"._

“Hey Usopp, it's- well you know it's me. And before you ask-”

“I-”

“-Before you ask,” he repeated nervously, “yes, I need your help. Well, not exactly your help, but your opinion- about something. Alright, this is about Conis-chan and I. I know that between you and Kaya-san, everything's going fine and I am glad for you – Kaya-san deserves everything in the world and you know it. Every women deserve the world. That's also what I want for Conis-chan. I've...”

“Hm-”

“I've noticed Conis-chan was being quite distant lately. Of course, this is not her fault. As you know, we've been on several dates for weeks, I cooked for her, I sang for her, I offered her flowers, serenades on the balcony – the perfect scene of Romeo and Juliet, even Shakespeare would have been jealous! I'm trying to be the gentleman she needs every single day. I've been in love the moment I met her. I'm only a man, and she's an angel, fallen from Heaven...! Usopp, I need your advice, now. Wh _-_ What should I do to please her?”

After this long speech, Sanji paused for a moment, waiting for his friend's answer.

“Have you tried talking to her about this, in the first place?”

The young man's heart froze, and he opened his mouth, and closed it very slowly.

“Who are you?”

“Oh so you noticed?”

“You're not Usopp,” he whispered.

The stranger – as it appeared, he was absolutely not Usopp, his voice was far too deep.

“Yeah, you probably got the wrong number dude, sorry.”

Speechless. He was speechless. Had he- had he talked about his whole sentimental life to this man? Oh, _merde_.

“Fuck, I'm- damn, I didn't know, I'm really sorry, you should have said so-”

“No worries, it's okay. I was bored anyway.”

Bored? Sanji frowned. He had put his feelings down here, that wasn't supposed to be an _entertaining_ discussion for some 'bored' guy, but a very important and serious one! Was he- was he mocking him?

“Anyway, I'm gonna leave you now,” he declared drily, slightly vexed.

“Wait,” the voice said calmly. “Before you hang up, what are you going to do?”

Curious, uh? Even though Sanji wanted to hang up right away with all his heart, his manners prevented him from doing so. This man – whoever he was – had listened to him. And he could have hanged up in the middle of his monologue, but he hadn't. Maybe it was to avoid boredom for some time, yes, but still. He _had_ said he needed someone's opinion. Even from a stranger. Conis was worth it, he could forget his pride for this time.

“What should I do?”

He instantly regretted his question.

“What about you start considering women as they are and not as you think they are?”

Damn, yes. He regretted his question so bad now. This guy was a jerk, and Sanji wouldn't mind kicking his ass for being so rude.

“That's actually what I do,” he still replied, patient.

“That's actually _not_ what you're doing. Not right now.”

That was it. This man was pissing him off.

“I know you're messing with me just to kill your boredom man, but if you actually _knew_ me, you'd know I treat women better than anyone and would die for them any day, any time.”

“No need to know you, mate. You certainly see yourself as a _gentleman_... but from what you said? You've only depicted aesthetics, romantic stuff nobody cares about, _superficial_ stuff. Basically, you're not loving your girlfriend for who she is, but what she looks like.”

“The fuck makes you believe this?!”

“Do you even know her?”

“Are you kidding me?”

“You didn't talk about her personality or feelings, not even once. You just said 'I' all along, on a genuine 'me, myself and I' novel.”

“Not true!” Sanji spat out. “What about everything I've done to make her happy, to please her?!”

“Oh, you mean the _'I cooked her something'_ , _'I gave her flowers'_ and all that crap?”

“That's _not_ crap. I'm a cook.”

Unimportant information, but nevermind. One couldn't just say 'cooking' and 'crap' in the same sentence, especially if that was about him.

“That's what you like to do to women, _Dom Juan,”_ the man continued. “I might be wrong, but have you ever had a real discussion with her, deep and profound, not about one those stupid subjects like the weather or a dress, but more like a debate?”

A debate? With Conis-chan? Not really. Hell yeah he discussed stuff with her, but did you have to have a debate with someone to prove that you loved them?

“Your vision of love completely sucks,” he let out.

Surprisingly, the other genuinely laughed on the other end of the phone.

“I'll kick your ass, shithead!”

“Well bring it on. Maybe then you'll realize how much of a jerk you are.”

 _Jerk_ ? _He_ was the _jerk_ ? Consumed by raged, and completely vexed, Sanji pressed the red button of his phone and hung up. In a gesture as simple as this. He then threw his phone on the mattress, and stared into the void.

What was this man taking him for? Why the fuck had he even asked for his opinion? He didn't need his opinion. Conis was worth more than a stupid stranger's advice. He could deal with his situation himself. He didn't even know if Conis and he were a couple. Were they? Were they a couple? They didn't talk about it. They had dates, yes. Several, even. But were they dates, too? He personally considered them as dates. What about her? He never thought about that.

Damn. That was it.

The stupid wrong-number man was right. And now that he did think about it, Nami had talked about this “problem” of his too. How had that stranger pictured him so easily?

Fuck. He hated him.

His phone vibrated twice for a new text, startling him.

“ _Keep going like this and_ _you will ruin_ _your relationship, ero-cook.”_

What was the guy thinking about to send him a _text_ ? They were friends now? What was he, a psychologist? A very bored man?

He hesitated two seconds before replying. But damn, he couldn't let him have the last word. Childish, maybe, but he couldn't resist the urge.

“ _It will not._ ”

“ _Oh well, we shall see._ ”

“ _I'll prove you wrong._ ”

“ _Will you?_ _How?_ ”

Sanji looked at this conversation, thinking carefully about what he should say to this guy. This discussion was nonsense. Where was this going? _Putain_ ! He couldn't help it. The man was challenging him, and he couldn't run away from it.

“ _In one week, it'll get better. You're bored? How about we get a drink so you'll see by yourself?”_

… And so he could see the face of incarnated stupidity to kick his ass? He honestly had nothing to lose.

Ten seconds later, the answer arrived:

“ _Deal._ ”


	2. Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time: Sanji had "couple" issues with Conis and decided to call Usopp, but actually talked to Zoro, a complete stranger. Those dorks ended up on a bet.   
> This chapter is from Zoro's point of view (lot of humor, my bad).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I update so late. I wasn't inspired at all, and I draw more than I write lately...  
> But I want to thank my great Beta, Blueflamebird, for their great job!  
> Well now, enjoy!

“ _Deal.”_

Zoro smirked. That man was going to eat his pride so bad, he had no idea what he just had gotten himself into. At least, someone was having a good time out of it. He wasn't usually interested in the business of others, especially when it was about love stories, but this time, it was different.

First, he was bored. He hadn't found anyone to fight with in a long time, and his training classes were off for the holidays. Nothing was entertaining. Nothing new, or interesting.

But this phone call- it changed things a bit. Now he could bother someone, and he was already starting to like it way too much to stop.

“You look happy, Zoro,” his roommate said, slightly leaning his head on the side. “What's going on?”

“Nothing,” he replied. “Just got a phone call.”

“A phone call?”

“Yeah. Anyways, what's up with you and these... clothes?”

The young man was indeed wearing some sort of... what, a giant hamburger? Was that really something you would be _willing_ to wear those days?

“Yeah! I'm going to a costume party on Saturday! There'll be meat! Remember I talked about it-”

“For months, yeah.”

“Come oooon... you should really come!”

“Don't wanna,” Zoro sighed.

The other crossed his arms.

“Why not?”

“Not feeling like going, that's all.”

Did he always have to justify why?

“But you're always complaining about being bored!”

“Yeah and so?”

“So do something to kill it!”

“Hrm.”

“So you'll come?”

He stared at his roommate. He was _so_ stubborn.

“No.”

“What? Why!”

“Because.”

He just did not feel like it?

“That is not an answer!”

“Huh, that _is_.”

“You're not funny, Zoro.”

The swordsman shrugged. They stared at each other for twenty-five seconds before a new argument came:

“I'll do the chores for three days.”

… Oh. This was becoming interesting.

“One week.”

“One week!”

Zoro smiled. That was worth it.

“Okay.”

Luffy let out a scream of Victory.

 

*****

 

There were times when nothing was happening in your life. Like, literally, _nothing._ Zoro felt like he was at one of those moments. And he was _dying_ for something exciting to happen.

A new fight, new trainings, a new opponent. Or even an old one. Not obviously something new. Just- something. To kill his boredom.

“God”, he whispered under his breath. “Holidays are so boring.”

He could understand how Luffy felt, all those times when he kept bothering him, whining about how _boring_ he was, and how much he _needed entertainment_. How did he manage to kill it? How did he succeed in making it go away?

Everything was boring. And Zoro was tired of that feeling.

That's why, when his roommate came back with a penguin – _don’t_ _ **ask**_ _why_ – he didn't mind. After all, why not? Penguins could be good company, and no one ever said it was strictly forbidden to have a penguin as a pet at home. Unless... said penguin was from a Zoo – Zoo which was supposed _to not let go_ of the animals it was keeping and taking care of.

Maybe, the idea wasn't that good. Maybe, yeah, maybe, they should put it back where it belonged before anyone noticed it had disappeared – and before they get into trouble. Besides, it had been a while since they got trouble. Who complained? Not him. Though being bored didn't mean he was okay with having problems to be kept busy...

But instead, he said:

“What's its name?”

“Bird!”

Zoro frowned and turned to the young man.

“Bird?”

“Yeah! Bird!”

“Bird like... flying bird?”

Luffy made a face, looking at him as if he was staring at an idiot. _He_ wasn't the idiot!

“ _Dude_ that's a penguin.”

“I know very well the fact he's a penguin! But he told me he decided to fly like birds. So he wants to be called Bird.”

_That's insane_.

“Why’d you take him here?”

That's what he should have asked first.

“Bird wants to learn how to fly.”

He laughed. Yeah, he got that part.

“And so you're gonna teach him?”

“Well yeah! Why not?”

Zoro sighed. He knew, he _knew_ he shouldn't have made a joke on this. He _knew_ how serious Luffy could be – and stubborn – about stuff like these. Especially if it included “someone's” dream.

“Just bring him back.”

“No,” he said in a very serious tone. “Unless he tells me to.”

The swordsman took a look at the penguin. It looked dumb, and like it had no idea where it was. It also looked like it wanted to swim in the living room. Which he was not approving at all.

“You wouldn't want me to cut it in half by misfortune while I train, would you?”

“Are you threatening Mr. Bird?”

_So it was Mr. Bird now??_

He quickly thought how to handle this without pissing Luffy off. Just because his roommate had the mind and the imagination of a child, didn't mean he was _completely_ a child.

“I think it wants to get back to its family. I believe it thought you were taking it on a walk but look how confused it is now.”

“I'm pretty sure-”

“Luffy, what about you bring it back and if it _does_ go back to its place, you'll leave it there?”

He shrugged. That was surely supposed to mean “yes”, then.

 

*****

 

“ _How is it going on with your girlfriend, ero-cook?_ ”

Zoro stared at his screen. His thumb pressed “send”.

It's been three days now, and no news from the shitty cook. He wondered if the man would keep his promises – one being his new decisions concerning that 'Conis-chan' girl, and the other their bet. Was he the kind of person too proud to face complications? Was he going to pretend the phone call never happened?

He didn't care, but he would be a bit disappointed – though he would never admit it. Zoro didn't get any answer until late in the evening, which was only composed of two words:

“ _Good, obviously.”_

“ _Really?”_

No need to meet the guy to be 99% sure he was lying.

“ _Yeah.”_

He smirked. That was all?

“ _That's it?”_

“ _What do you want, to laugh once again at me?”_

“ _Maybe.”_

“ _Shut up.”_

“ _So I'll just believe you and admit I lost.”_

“ _Really?”_

“ _No. Of course not. What do you think I am?”_

“ _A bored asshole fucking around, arrogant and so very full of himself.”_

Now this was fun.

“ _And yet you're still talking to that asshole.”_

“ _I'm not enjoying this.”_

“ _Oh yeah? How come are you still talking to me?”_

“ _I made a bet. I don't break promises. Why are_ you _talking to me? Nothing better to do?”_

“ _I made a bet, too.”_

“ _That's an answer way too easy.”_

“ _You replied that too.”_

“ _No, I replied that_ first _!”_

“ _Oh that's alright then.”_

“ _Oh my god, just stop talking.”_

“ _We're texting.”_

“ _Right. See ya.”_

Zoro paused, looking at the last message, and scrolled through the conversation. The guy was clearly not willing to talk about it, confirming his thoughts. Though at first that bet seemed to be a nice entertainment, now he felt bothered by it. There was a real relationship at stake, and he didn't like to be included in relationship issues or people's problems. Especially if it was a perfectly random guy's. That’s so not like him.

He lied down and closed his eyes.

Who cared? He wasn't doing anything, no one owed anything to anyone. They were both free men.

 

*****

 

“ _We talked.”_

It's been two days since their last conversation, and Zoro replied two hours later, busytrying to free Luffy from the Zoo in which he'd stolen the penguin. The Zoo's security was for sure to be changed, but they eventually got to Luffy. That had been a long, long day.

“ _That's a big first step in a relationship. Did she reply to your 'hello'?”_

“ _Ahah. Very funny.”_

“ _You almost begged for it.”_

“ _I didn't.”_

“ _You did.”_

“ _No I didn't.”_

“ _You sure did.”_

“ _I. Didn't.”_

This man was such a kid.

“ _Okay shut up and tell me what happened now.”_

“ _So you wanna know?”_

Oh, come on man.

“ _So you wanna tell me?”_

“ _This conversation is nonsense.”_

'You are the nonsense', he thought. But instead, he texted:

“ _Agreed.”_

“ _We discussed, like you said when we talked on the phone.”_

“ _Oh so you admit being a superficial guy?”_

“ _Don't push it.”_

“ _Alright, ero-cook, what happened”_

“ _We had a “cigarette” debate.”_

What now?

“ _She smokes?”_

“ _No. I do.”_

“ _Oh. Aren't you supposed to be a cook?”_

“ _Those are two very different things.”_

“ _Are they?”_

“ _Yes.”_

“ _If you say so.”_

“ _Anyway, we talked about ourselves. I opened up. Somehow we ended up on the smoking question.”_

“ _Oh so you_ did _listen to me...”_

“ _Shut up.”_

“ _You know that answer has a limited amount of use.”_

“ _Shut up.”_

“ _Apparently you don't.”_

“ _She asked me why I was smoking, I replied, like a lot of people, that it was helping me handle the tension and stress. But she said it wasn't the solution, and I should quit. I know she's right, but I can't promise that.”_

“ _Why not?”_

“ _Did you ever try smoking?”_

“ _Nope.”_

“ _Anything else?”_

“ _I enjoy good drinks.”_

“ _Great, an alcoholic.”_

“ _Hey what?!”_

“ _Imagine being forced to stop drinking.”_

“ _Yeah, nah.”_

“ _I_ know _she's right. I hate to go against her.”_

“ _What happened?”_

“ _She said she didn't dare say it before, but she couldn't handle the smell.”_

“ _That's basically a “me or the cigarette” situation.”_

“ _Yeah.”_

“ _You chose the cigarette?”_

“ _I didn't choose anything yet.”_

“ _No, you already did.”_

“ _What?”_

“ _You chose you.”_

“ _Me?”_

“ _Smoking sucks, I'm not saying I approve, but you obviously can't stop right now.”_

“ _... I chose something else over a woman?”_

“ _That's progress.”_

“ _Not really??”_

“ _Well, your sentence clearly says “over a woman” dude. She's Conis. Not “a woman”. Objectifying her again?”_

“ _Stop doing that.”_

“ _You stop doing that.”_

“ _Shut up.”_

“ _Here it is again.”_

“ _I will kick you!”_

“ _Try me.”_

Oh why, he was enjoying teasing him so much right now.

 

*****

 

“You have a weird face.”

Zoro looked up.

“Come again?”

Luffy slightly tilted his head on his left.

“You have a weird face.”

The swordsman frowned.

“That's my normal face.”

His roommate frowned back, staring at him for some ten seconds, before he shrugged:

“I guess it is!”

 

*****

 

His phone vibrated in the middle of the night, and Zoro groaned in his pillow as his hand looked for said phone. Who was the dumbass texting him while he was sleeping? (Something that was actually often happening).

“ _I don't know a thing about you.”_

Damn ero-cook.

He didn't need to know anything about him, because there was nothing to know. It was not like they were friends or anything, now... Was it? He put down his phone, thinking that maybe, just maybe he'll consider replying this text positively or not on the next day.

...

Five minutes later, he texted back.

 

*****

 

“You look awful,” Luffy said when he saw Zoro leaving his room, half awaken, dragging himself to the kitchen with half of his bed with him. He'd rarely seen his roommate in such a state, he'd usually stay in bed all day, or leave it completely, but never in-between.

“Is there someone out there paying you to compliment me every day?” Zoro mumbled.

“What?”

“Yesterday, weird face, today, awful,” he yawned.

“Shishishi, no, but I wish! I'd buy tons of meats with it.”

“Of course you would.”

He sat in front of him, and looked around before asking:

“What's for breakfast?”

Luffy's eyes widely opened.

“You think I'm making breakfast?”

No one was making breakfast here. They've been roommates for years, and not even once did they prepare breakfast. They'd just take anything around, and eat it.

“Right.”

“What's wrong with you?” Luffy curiously asked.

“Texted all night, I guess.”

“Texted?”

The older man took a look at his friend. He could understand the questions behind his eyes. That was unlike him to miss a good night of sleep, if there wasn't alcohol or a fight included.

“With that ero-cook.”

“Oh,” Luffy grinned. “So you like him, huh?”

“N-no, I don't,” he frowned, “it has nothing to do with it.”

“Then why do you keep talking?”

“We have a bet.”

“How will it end?”

“What?”

“Are you guys going to meet?”

“I... I don't know.”

“Did you talk about it?”

“Yeah, on the phone, the first time?”

“There was another time??”

“No,” Zoro whispered not knowing why.

“So when do you meet?”

“I just told you I wasn't even sure!”

Luffy pouted, super-disappointed. Seriously, why was he even roommate with such a kid, already? Oh, right. He had a very mature side surprisingly popping up, sometimes.

“Don't do that face to me, won't work.”

“I don't know what you're talking about.”

“Yeah, right.”

Someone knocked on the door after those words, and before Zoro even thought about moving to open, Luffy had left his seat and already on it.

“Who's that?” he asked.

The door opened on two men he never saw before. Luffy greeted them before turning to Zoro.

“You forgot? We have our party tonight!”

Damn, yes. He forgot.

He stood up and came to meet the guys. One of them was slightly higher than Luffy, curly black hair, without doubt with African origin. The other, about Zoro's height, had a weird eyebrow, blond hair eating half of his face, dressed in a nice suit.

“Remember those guys I told you about? Well, here's Sanji, and Usopp, whom I met yesterday!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it, as usual, please leave a comment because I do need an opinion *wink wink*  
> Reminder: they never told each other their names :D
> 
> Otherwise, if you didn't know it, I created a writing blog on Tumblr (I'm still Plume8now), if you want to talk a bit and send a message!  
> PS: About my art, I draw a lot of LawLu but some ZoSan too! if you want to check it out, I'm Yumenofude.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked the chapter, please do leave a comment that's really important for us, authors!  
> Also, I don't really know for now but I think this fic will end in one or two chapters.  
> PS: I tried my best not to write anything ooc, but this was hard.
> 
> Happy new year again! Wish you the best *heart*


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